Synopsis

Seventeen year old Hannah Brown has a mundane life. She is fed up of playing gooseberry to her best friend, Stephanie and her boyfriend. She has an annoying little sister who won’t stop reading her precious diary and an overbearing mother. Walking home alone one night after an argument with Stephanie, Hannah is involved in an accident that will change her life forever. With an angel as her guide she finds true love in an unlikely place and discovers the shocking identity of the person who left her to die. But will she get the happy ending she is so scared of jeopardising?

GHOST - BY ELIZA PETERS

1

Welcome to my life.

I DIDN’T WANT TO GET OUT OF BED. It was Monday morning. Who wants to get up on a Monday morning? Mum had shouted five times already, and the last time she’d sounded really angry. I knew I was going to be late for college again, but I was too warm and comfortable under my duvet. That wasn’t the only reason I couldn’t throw back the covers and let another dreary day begin. I’d felt the same feeling a lot just lately, like the days seemed to merge from one boring blur straight into the next. Nothing was exciting, and there was nothing to look forward to.

Risking the wrath of my mother I knew I shouldn’t, but I rolled over and concentrated on getting back into the dream I’d been having before her verbal alarm call. I was momentarily dragged back from my dreamy stupor once again by a soft thudding sound. Ignore it, my subconscious told me, and I obeyed. My dream was filled with images of me and a boy from college called Laurence. I knew he would never ask me out. Even though we had classes together I’d never spoken to him. This was typical of me as I hardly spoke to anyone. He’d never even tried to speak to me either. I wondered if he even knew my name. Hardly anyone knew my name, or was that just my imagination? Don’t get me wrong I have friends; well I have one friend, Stephanie. She has a boyfriend so I suppose you could class that as plural. I’m just not that sociable, but here in my dream I’m a very different girl. I could see myself walking straight up to Laurence, full of confidence, and asking him to the college ball that was taking place on Friday evening. I knew in reality I would never do this, but there was no harm in dreaming about it was there? I slinked up to him with my best seductive walk which I’m sure was completely over the top, as I had no idea what a seductive walk looked like. I’d just opened my mouth to speak to him…

My door crashed open.

“Mum sent me to tell you if you’re not actually up yet, she’s not taking you shopping on Saturday.”

My annoying little sister; I noticed the satisfaction in her voice. She knew putting my shopping trip on hold, as punishment for my tardiness, was inevitable. I really wanted those new shoes - not enough though it seemed.

“Go away Becs and knock next time,” I muttered.

I couldn’t even be bothered to argue with her and pulled my duvet around me tighter. I thought she’d left the room.

“Have you been up late, writing in your diary? Oh Laurence why can’t you notice me? You know we’d be good together,” she mocked.

Yap, yap, yap. She never stops. Wait a minute. My eyes snapped open in realisation that the thudding sound I’d heard earlier was in fact my diary, and Rebecca was reading the embarrassing evidence of my crush. I jumped up and snatched the book from her hand. My irrational thoughts told me she would tell everyone she could within a five-mile radius. Everyone in college would know; they would be laughing, and pointing, and ridicule me for having these ludicrous feelings. Laurence would never ask me out after that; not that I thought he would anyway.

“Mind your own business and get out,” I hissed through gritted teeth.

“Hannah’s in love, Hannah’s in love,” Rebecca chanted as she fled from the room.

Rebecca was a constant thorn in my side. At ten years old she was seven years my junior; although mum constantly reminded me she acted older and more responsible. She thought I could do with taking a leaf out of her book when it came to keeping my room tidy, getting up on time in the mornings, doing my homework and so many other things besides.

I slumped back onto my bed holding my diary close to my chest as if I were guarding some top-secret documents. I loved writing in it. It had become my very own silent therapist - I definitely felt like I needed one these days. I knew I was a moody cow just lately, I could probably write my own blues song.

I hate my sister; she’s a complete bore.

No I don’t think I’d miss her, I can’t take anymore.

My mum’s just as bad, she won’t shop for more clothes

I should get a job, so I can afford those new Rocket Dog shoes, oh yeaaah,

I’ve got me these Hannah Brown blues.

Risking even further punishment I continued to lie in my bed looking around my messy room. My walls were painted lilac, and most accessories I bought were purple - my favourite colour. Not much of the walls were visible now though as I’d adorned them with posters of bands I liked, apart from one poster, it seemed out of place amongst the sea of band members faces. In a way it reminded me of me, up there on its own. It was a picture of a single open rose head and the colour of the deepest purple I had ever seen. Mum had bought it for me for two reasons, one was because my middle name was Rose, and the second was because mum had dragged me to a flower show, which was being held at a park near our home, a few years earlier. I’d never really shown any particular interest in flowers so I’d gone protesting as much as I could. Whilst there she insisted we visit the rose tent. Groaning, I had reluctantly gone, knowing mum would inevitably start chatting to someone and slip into the conversation about my name. But once inside I was immediately hit by the most wonderful sweet floral scent that made me feel serene, and it lured me into exploring further. I was immediately drawn to a sign pointing to the purple section and left mum scanning the yellow roses, but was disappointed to discover that most of the roses, although beautiful, were not purple at all. Some were more dark red, others were bright pink, while another was cerise with white flecks. I felt cheated and wondered how they could pass themselves off as purple. I moved further along and was suddenly taken aback; there in the midst of all these impostor flowers was a bunch of the deepest purple roses I had ever seen. The flowers were open in full bloom, and the petals were large and had the texture of crushed velvet. The information plaque next to them informed me it was called ‘The Purple Moore’ named by the gardener who’d grown them, Brian Moore. It also said they depicted the most true royal purple rose to date. I remembered thinking they certainly were royal; they appeared to be the king of all the roses, and I was sure they would win a prize. Mum had joined me then and was equally stunned by their colour. This started a gift trend; everything my mum could find that had purple roses on them she bought for birthdays and Christmas - hence the lonely Purple Rose poster on my wall. I had to admit though I secretly liked having the purple rose as my signature.

A door slammed downstairs, I suddenly realised I’d completely forgotten about mum’s final warning which had been the reason for Rebecca reading my precious diary. Yawning, I dragged myself out of bed, lifted the mattress and stuffed the diary underneath. I knew it wasn’t a very original place to hide it, but I was hoping it was so obvious that no one would think to look there. Rubbing my eyes, I stumbled into the bathroom and examined my face in the mirror. I considered myself to be a girl of averages. Average looks, height and weight, average grades. I studied my untidy, layered, mousy brown hair; I dreamt of having long flowing locks, but it didn’t seem to want to grow past my shoulders. Mum said I had hazel eyes, but I called the colour dirty dishwater. My nose was upturned and my mouth was what I described as just there. I shook my head at my appearance and tutted in disgust.

“A boring face to go with my boring life,” I muttered.

As I lazily got myself ready for college, my thoughts drifted to the kind of day I would have. Along with my looks, college bored me too. I only chose to go in the first place because Stephanie was going, and I’d only enrolled in the classes I had done because they’d been my highest graded subjects in secondary school - not because I enjoyed them. I did this because I had no idea who I was, or what I wanted to be. I drifted through life letting people push me in the direction they thought I should go in, and I let them.

College had not been the most pleasant place to be just lately. A drama student called Paul had been killed recently in a hit and run accident. We all remembered him because he was a talented actor and a gifted musician. The college had been very proud because he’d won a small role in a television crime drama. I asked myself why it was the people who were worth something that always had to die so young, when there were people like me who were nobodies and useless at everything; we got to live long and boring lives. It was my knack of perking myself up with my cynical sense of humour, and my endless hope that things would get better that stopped me from taking myself away from this existence. Even so, I morbidly thought it should have been me and not him. I’d foolishly voiced my thoughts to my mum, who immediately reprimanded me. ‘Stop being so dramatic Hannah,’ she’d said. ‘You need to fight for what you want in life. No one is going to hand you things on a plate.’ Trouble was I didn’t know what I wanted to fight for, and I truly couldn’t find a place for myself. Paul had direction and was so focused on his life goal; then he was gone. The whole college felt the loss, and everyone was angry because the driver had never been found. Morale had been low ever since until the college committee decided to honour him with an early Christmas ball - to show his killer he couldn’t get us down and defeat us. Suddenly people had something to look forward to, and could see a way to put closure to their mourning. Life had to continue. In my case I sometimes wondered why, but it did day after day.

Back in my bedroom I pulled on a pair of black skinny jeans, a long black t-shirt with purple hearts printed all over it, with a black leather belt that had a purple rose shaped buckle, and a black hooded jacket. I didn’t wear black to match my mood; it was simply the first thing I pulled from the pile of clean clothes mum had placed in my room the day before. There was no time for jewellery, and I only just managed a quick sweep of mascara and a slick of lip-gloss. I grabbed my bag, briefly checking it had the appropriate things I needed for my day at college, and fled down the stairs to where mum was holding out a piece of toast and a carton of juice for me to have on the way. With her mouth pulled to the side, and her eyes looking up to the ceiling, she shook her head and sighed in exasperation. I muttered a quick ‘thanks,’ grabbed my coat and ran out of the open front door.

I only lived a ten-minute walk from college, which was handy when I was running late - that seemed to be quite a lot just lately. Today thanks to my dream I was extremely late. I must have looked like I was running in a novelty fun run that required you eat and drink something, and pull on an item of clothing before completing the course. I came to a road notorious for speeding cars, but as I stepped out I failed to look properly because my bag had slipped down my arm distracting me. I felt a hand grab my other arm and yank me back, just in time, as a car came past at breakneck speed; missing me by inches. My hand reflexively squeezed my juice carton, soaking my t-shirt with apple juice.

“You must be careful when crossing the road,” said a velvety voice from behind me.

I turned and dropped the wilting piece of toast that had been hanging from my mouth like a dogs tongue; I just managed to catch it as I gawped stupidly at the man that belonged to the voice. He was drop-dead gorgeous, with wavy blond hair, wearing a suit and a long coat. He noticed my wet top.

“I must apologise for ruining your clothes.”

“No problem,” I said feebly.

He gave me a beaming smile that lit up his face, and then I watched dazed as he started to walk away. He suddenly turned back.

“I should tell you, you have butter on you your chin,” he called then continued on.

I fumbled awkwardly with my belongings and managed to grab a tissue out of my jacket pocket. Thank God for mum sometimes I thought as I wiped my chin clean. I turned back to the stranger realising I hadn’t thanked him for saving me from being run over, but he must have turned the corner because he was nowhere to be seen. I might have to be late tomorrow I told myself. Get real Hannah. He was Adonis in a raincoat; he isn’t going to be interested in you.

I only just made it to my psychology class and threw myself into my seat next to Stephanie. As she turned to briefly glance at me she shook her head and rolled her eyes as mum had done. She was obviously miffed that I was late; causing her to stand waiting for me at the notice board we always met at. My heart sank as I looked at her; her dark hair was teased into a long layered style, and her clothes and jewellery looked like they had been carefully chosen and laid out for her by a stylist the night before. Seeing Stephanie reminded me that Callum; Stephanie’s boyfriend - who sort of knew Laurence from his Maths class - was going to ask him what he thought of me later that day. He’d been carefully instructed by Stephanie (who had been carefully instructed by me) that he mustn’t let Laurence know that I had been asking about him. I could tell that Callum had been confused, but said he would do his best. This did not instil confidence in me, as Callum was not known for his tact. He was a logical mathematician with not much common sense, but still, I was excited that Laurence would at least know my name by the end of the day.

With each minute that passed a new butterfly was added to my stomach. If I’d asked Callum he would have calculated that, since my arrival that morning, I would now have a total of one hundred and eighty three butterflies all playing havoc with my nerves. I stared at the back of Laurence’s head, as was Stephanie, who was probably plotting how to get him to ask me to the ball. It was her who suggested in the first place that we should go together. I recalled the conversation that we’d had in the cafeteria a few days ago.

“Why are you so miserable just lately Hannah?” she asked me, trying to sound like she really cared, but I could tell underneath there was a hint of irritation. To be honest I wouldn’t have blamed her if she was fed up with me because I’d started to really annoy myself with all the huffing and puffing and sighing I’d been doing. I wouldn’t have wanted to spend time with me either.

“I don’t know,” I sighed again. “I’m sorry, I just feel like I could explode from boredom. I just…” I trailed off not even understanding properly myself what was wrong.

“You know what you need?” she asked.

“No, enlighten me,” I answered sceptically.

Stephanie was not the top student of our psychology class so I doubted very much that she had any words of wisdom about my inner psyche.

“You need a boyfriend,” she said bluntly.

“What? And you think that’s going to solve all my problems?” I asked incredulously.

“Yes I do. I think you need someone to share things with, someone to go places with, do different things with. You never do anything, but sit in your room listening to music.”

“I go places with you.”

“That’s not what I mean. You need someone new besides me to go places with. You just hang around with me and Callum, you must be getting bored with that.”

She made it sound like her concern was all for me, but I thought I understood perfectly well; she was getting fed up with me playing gooseberry. I had to admit I was starting to feel uncomfortable with the situation myself, but the real issue should have been that she never spent anytime with me anymore since she met Callum ten months ago. They’d been stuck together like glue, and suddenly my best friend wasn’t there for me like she used to be. We used to have such a laugh together. I liked Callum, but I missed it just being the two of us. I sighed again; I knew I wouldn’t confront her with my feelings, as I didn’t want to turn her against me. She was the only friend I had, and if given an ultimatum I wasn’t even sure she would pick me; so I didn’t take the chance. Okay, I thought. If you can’t beat ’em, join ’em.

“Alright, but where do you think I’m going to get this boyfriend from? I know I’ll just conjure one up out of thin air.”

Ignoring my sarcasm, Stephanie looked excited. I knew she was going to throw herself whole-heartedly into project boyfriend. Anything to give her and Callum more time alone together, I thought bitterly. No, what was I thinking; she really was trying to help me. Wasn’t she?

I remembered how she scoured the cafeteria looking for the poor unsuspecting victim. Why was I agreeing to this? Maybe it was because I knew I did need someone new to talk to, some excitement in my life, and deep down I did feel like something was missing - maybe it was a boyfriend. I also couldn’t help feeling this was going to end in disaster.

“Laurence!” she finally said.

“Which one’s Laurence?”

Stephanie looked at me in disbelief.

“You have got to be kidding,” she replied, but my expression told her I wasn’t. “You really do need to socialise more.”

She said this, but I knew she wouldn’t like it if I had other friends besides her; I was like a little faithful dog following her round and she knew it.

“Laurence from our psychology class,” she said.

The name sounded familiar, but I genuinely didn’t know who she meant. Boys never looked at me, so I’d given up looking at them. Stephanie tutted as I scanned the wrong area of the cafeteria.

“Over at the table near the chocolate machine,” she instructed. “He’s gorgeous.”

“Oh he’s out then,” I said solemnly.

“What do you mean?”

“Well if he’s gorgeous he’s not going to be bothered with me is he?”

“You’re pretty. Why do you have to be so down on yourself? If you can’t be bothered then why am I even trying to help you?”

I looked down in shame because I knew she was right; I was always hard on myself. I looked up at Laurence; he was nice, but still I had this niggling feeling I was going to regret saying, ‘okay, do it’. But that is what I’d done. Actually, then I said ‘don’t bother’, then I said ‘okay’ again, and that is how it had gone for the last three days.

The more I looked at him - like now in psychology class - staring at the back of his head, the more I liked the idea of spending time with him; even though I had no idea what he was like as a person. I’d constructed whole conversations between us that he knew nothing about; creating this perfect relationship. I was thinking about my favourite scenario where we were slow dancing at the ball; he tells me how beautiful I look before bending low to plant a sweet kiss on my trembling lips. Never being allowed to enjoy my fantasies; I was suddenly brought to my senses. Clare, the tutor, put a question to me; something to do with anti-social behaviour, but I had no idea what the question was and ended up making some garbled noise that sounded like I had a mouth full of cotton wool.

“Wake up Hannah,” she scolded.

I sank low into my seat. Surely Laurence wouldn’t want anything to do with the simpleton at the back of the class; I was left hoping he didn’t know who I was then. I continued the lesson with my ears burning and trying hard to take in the rest of the lecture. Finally lunchtime came; I was desperate to get out of the room which had become very claustrophobic. I told Stephanie I would meet her in the cafeteria and made a dash for the toilets. I couldn’t rid myself of the embarrassment I felt at the thought of Laurence thinking that I was some kind of idiot. I thought I must have looked so stupid to him, and Callum hadn’t even had a chance to speak to him yet. I locked myself in one of the cubicles, put the toilet lid down, sat on it and put my head in my hands. I’d wished Stephanie had never started any of it. I was fine before, wasn’t I? No, but I didn’t need this either. I got up and decided I was going straight to the cafeteria to tell Callum not to bother - which he would probably be relieved about anyway - and I was going to tell Stephanie to keep her nose out. If love was going to happen, it was going to happen on my own terms, even if that meant I was still single at forty.

In the cafeteria I joined the food queue and looked over to the table where we usually sat. Stephanie was sitting by herself and Callum was nowhere to be seen. This was quite unusual; apart from their separate classes, where she was, he was, but not this time. Alarm bells started to ring in my head as I hastily put food on my tray. I had no idea what I’d bought as I hurried to where Stephanie was sat. I put my tray down on the table harder than I’d meant to, making her jump.

“Where’s Callum?” I demanded.

A big grin spread across her face.

“Laurence left the cafeteria on his own, so I sent Callum after him to get him to ask about you.”

“What?” I shrieked a little too loudly, causing the people on the next table to look up. I shrank into the seat opposite Stephanie.

“You have to get him back. I’ve changed my mind,” I said in a panicked whisper.

“No way! You’ve been umming and ahhring for days now. Somebody had to make the decision,” she said with a satisfied look. “Relax if all goes badly you could always go to the ball with plan B.”

“Plan B? I wasn’t even aware there was a plan B,” I said, my eyes wide.

I swallowed down a large gulp of air that I knew I would regret, as it would probably come back up later as a large burp right in the middle of a quiet moment in my history class.

“The college weirdo, over there,” she laughed, nodding her head toward the other side of the cafeteria.

“What? Justin?” I shrieked again, I was almost hyperventilating.

Stephanie eyed me suspiciously.

“How do you know his name?”

I shrugged unable to answer. Stephanie turned to look at him again with an amused expression.

“What is he doing?” she asked wrinkling up her nose.

I looked over to the pale boy with messy brown hair, whose brow appeared to be locked in a permanent sad frown. He seemed to be weaving in and out of the tables in a manner that I could only describe as trying to get away from something that wasn’t there, and he looked like he was talking to himself. He made it to a small table, then sat as he always did, on his own, looking down; only looking up every now and then so as not to make eye contact with any one. Like most people at college I thought he might be unbalanced.

“Please tell me that was a joke,” I pleaded.

“Of course it was. He is quite cute though, in a psychopathic kind of way.” She chuckled to herself.

I decided to ignore my friend’s unkind comment as I felt it wasn’t helping, and was already too fraught with the situation at hand.

I suddenly felt cold and shivered as the hairs on the back of my neck stood on end. I looked behind me and expected someone to be there, but there wasn’t, so I turned back to Stephanie who looked concerned.

“Are you alright, you don’t look too good?” she asked.

“It’s nothing, I just felt like someone was watching me.”

Stephanie frowned at me then looked around; she suddenly smirked.

“Maybe, that’s because there was,” she said, nodding her head again towards the other side of the cafeteria.

I looked to where she meant. At first glance it did appear that the strange boy Justin was looking at me, but then I realised he was actually staring out of the window behind me.

“Maybe we should just skip plan A and move straight onto plan B,” Stephanie snorted.

“Stephanie, please stop,” I moaned. “He’s not even looking at me. I can’t take this. Where is Callum? I need the loo.” I said, jumping to my feet.

“Again! You’ve only just been,” she said incredulously.

“I’ll be back in a minute.”

Before Stephanie could say another word, I dashed out of the cafeteria. It was really an excuse to look for Callum in hope that he hadn’t caught up with Laurence yet - no such luck. As I turned the corner of one of the locker areas, there they were, chatting already. I jumped back quickly; it appeared that I hadn’t been seen as they continued with their conversation. I put my back against the metal lockers, and inched my way sideways towards the corner to eavesdrop on them. I couldn’t quite hear properly, but then they started to laugh. I wondered with a sinking heart if they were laughing at me. I suddenly felt the same sense of being watched as before; I jumped as a locker to my left opened. Turning my head cautiously, I was only slightly relieved to see it was Justin again. He took a fleeting glance in my direction before turning his attention back to emptying his locker. At least the worst he was going think was, that I was as completely as mad as him with my odd behaviour, and turned my attention back to eaves dropping. I had to put my hand over my mouth convinced that Callum and Laurence could hear me breathing. I inched closer to the edge, and could now hear every word that was being said.

“Hannah who?” asked Laurence.

“Hannah Brown, the girl who sits with me and my girlfriend at lunch,” Callum said.

“What does she look like?”

“Erm… brown hair, er….”

I was horrified, was I really so average that Callum couldn’t come up with any other distinguishable feature apart from brown hair; that could be any one of three hundred or more girls at college.

“Wait I think I know which one you mean. Your girlfriend’s the pretty one with the long dark hair isn’t she? She’s in my Psychology class. Lot’s of black and silver jewellery?” He seemed to have no trouble remembering Stephanie I thought bitterly.

My back was still pressed up against the steel locker, but I hadn’t realised how far I’d been leaning over to the corner so I could listen; I suddenly felt myself sliding along the metal. Unable to get a grip on anything, I twisted to try and right myself, but hit the ground with an ‘oomph’ sound. My head and shoulders were in view of Laurence and Callum, but just to make sure they saw me, my foot came up and kicked the locker making a loud banging noise. I froze; my face filled with blood in embarrassment as I lay there looking like an up-ended turtle. I closed my eyes briefly in hope that I could somehow magically transport myself home, but when I opened them again everything was the same, apart from Justin who had walked up and was now standing over me with his hand outstretched to help me up. Apart from a sympathetic slant to his mouth, he managed to keep the rest of his face straight. I was having difficulty standing up - I’d winded myself - so I had no choice but to grab his hand. He quickly pulled me up off the ground and as I rose I stumbled into him, our faces no more than an inch apart. Our eyes locked just for a moment, but I had a strange feeling that he’d breathed life back into me, as my lungs suddenly filled with the air that had been forced out of them with the fall. I noticed another odd sensation, growing in my stomach, but before I had time to decipher it, the sound of laughter caused me to push myself away from him. He released my hand, and I muttered a hurried ‘thanks’. Ignoring my now throbbing back, I rushed down the corridor to the toilets, where I remained, crying silently in a cubicle until it was time to go to my next class. I wondered if Justin had heard some of the conversation, and only took small comfort from the fact that no one ever spoke to him; so at least he couldn’t pass on this juicy piece of gossip. Stephanie would swear Callum to secrecy, so I only had Laurence to worry about.

Monday 16th November

Dear Diary

I want to DIE.

I humiliated myself today. I took a spectacular fall while I was eavesdropping on Laurence and Callum. Laurence definitely saw, and Callum said he was in hysterics when my head disappeared back round the corner. He must have told a lot of people because I’m sure I heard Lisa in History talking about it.

I want to DIE.

Callum still asked Laurence to the ball for me, but he said no (there’s a surprise).

I suppose I should have known not to trust Callum, instead of aborting his mission after what had happened, he soldiered on. He didn’t even subtly try to find out if Laurence liked me, instead he blurted the whole lot out to him saying I really liked him, and wanted him to ask me out. Apparently, Laurence said I was sort of cute. Sort of cute? That’s not even as good as just cute. Why do I always have to be cute? No one ever calls me beautiful.

I want to DIE.

Laurence said he was taking Lucy anyway. Lucy’s beautiful. Oh yes, the lovely, gorgeous, beautiful Lucy, I would hate her if she wasn’t so bloody nice. That’s it; I’m going to become a nun. Forget it I just want to die. I’m too upset to write anymore.

Hannah (sort of cute) Brown

P.S Did I mention the strange boy Justin picked me up off the floor; he gave me this odd feeling. What was that all about?

P.P.S Did I also mention that I want to DIE

2

Did you notice this notice?

 

FOR THE FIRST TIME IN A LONG TIME I WAS UP EARLY. I’d woken around six o’clock from a bad dream. I’d been stood on top of one of the lockers at college looking down at Laurence and Stephanie; they’re heads were close together and they were giggling about something, then they both turned to look up at me. Stephanie shouted for me to come down, and I heard Laurence say ‘I’ll get her down’. The next thing I knew, he was behind me giving me a huge shove. As I toppled over the edge, I looked down and the ground seemed to fall away, as the locker stretched and quickly grew to the height of the Eiffel tower. My arms and legs flailed about trying to grab hold of something, but down I fell. My fall seemed to last forever, then when I finally had a sense that the ground was getting nearer, the slow motion kicked in. I slowly managed to turn my body and saw the sad boy Justin beneath me. He was shouting up that he was going to catch me, but I could see that was going to be difficult because he was wearing a straightjacket. He fought hard against the leather straps, but was failing miserably. As I slowly passed him on my way to the ground he stopped fighting to look at me, and mouthed the word ‘sorry’. My brain was fully conscious seconds before I hit, but my body was still in the dream, so my limbs stiffened and my hands grabbed at the bed. Although I was alone in my room, it didn’t stop me feeling irrationally foolish. I sat up breathing heavily and sweating my socks off. I’d had falling dreams before; they always left me on edge, so I decided an hour later after a failed attempt to fall back to sleep, to get up and take a shower.

Still feeling stressed, I couldn’t help playing the real falling scene from the previous day over and over in my mind, until the point where I thought I would throw up. I wanted to be out of the house before mum and Rebecca woke because I didn’t feel like talking to anyone, but as I got out of the shower I could hear mum’s voice downstairs already; she’d opened the door to the postman and was thanking him for his delivery. I trudged down to the kitchen, and as mum caught sight of me she started complaining about my room as she always did - instead of congratulating me for getting up early for a change. I ignored her as usual, and made for the fridge. I didn’t really feel like eating much of anything, so I grabbed some orange juice, and took a swig straight from the carton. I spilt some of the juice as my mother startled me.

“Get a glass Hannah, that’s disgusting,” she scolded, as she swept quickly into the kitchen.

“Mum you scared me,” I said, as I grabbed a kitchen towel to wipe the juice that had sloshed down my chin.

Remembering that the postman had called at the door instead of just using the letterbox, I guessed he must have delivered a parcel.

“What did the postman bring?” I asked, hoping it was the new coat I’d been badgering my mum to get me from her mail order catalogue. My shoulders dropped at her reply.

“New books, from my book club,” she answered, putting the carton back in the fridge; not bothering to find out if I’d finished or not. “They’re in there,” she said pointing to the living room, as she headed for the cupboard under the stairs where the vacuum cleaner was stored.

Mum was always busy like this; she was obsessed with cleaning.

“You could do with reading one of them, it’s called how to de-clutter a room in 30 minutes. That room of yours is looking like a pigsty,” she called.

I rolled my eyes and sighed.

“Yeah, yeah, whatever,” I muttered to myself, as I grabbed a bag of crisps from the kitchen cupboard.

“What was that?” asked mum, as she came back in the kitchen to get a duster and polish.

“Nothing,” I said gloomily.

Mum eyed the crisps I was stuffing into my bag to eat later.

“Hannah, get something healthy to eat. If you want something crunchy, get a carrot out of the fridge,” she said disapprovingly at my food choice, then left the kitchen again.

“Why buy them then?” I huffed.

I hated the way she spoke to me like I was five years old. Although I loved my mum very much and thought she was mostly fair, she could be quite strict. Not in a ‘if you don’t do a hundred chores you won’t get any supper’ kind of strict, but in a more intrusive manner. She had to know every aspect of everything I did, like where I was every minute of the day, what I was doing, who I was doing it with and how long I was doing it for. I could understand when I was younger, but now I was seventeen I expected much more freedom. This didn’t seem to be happening, and for quite a while now I was starting to feel suffocated by this controlling method of parenting, and everything she said to me just sounded like she was nagging.

I went into the living room and took a look at the books; maybe there would be a half-decent one I could read. The book entitled How to de-clutter a room in 30 minutes was on top of the small pile. I looked at it incredulously, as I thought mum had been joking about it in a vain attempt to get me to clean my room. Besides, thirty minutes was being optimistic; it would most likely need thirty days to get it looking even remotely clutter free. I put it aside without opening it, and read the next title. Dare to date again. A guide to dating in your 40’s. Mum and dad had split up when I was seven, and Rebecca had just been born. I’d never bonded with my new baby sister, because in my childish ignorance, I’d blamed her for dad leaving. It was only later when I found a letter from him to mum that I’d learned the truth; dad had left to be with someone else, and was now living in Canada with his new wife and my six-year-old half brother Leo. Apart from presents and a phone call at Christmas and birthdays, and the occasional emails, we didn’t have any other contact with him. I missed him at first, but quickly learned to adapt. Mum was devastated when dad left, but all credit to her, as she never felt sorry for herself. As Rebecca started school, mum decided to retrain and was now a ward sister at the local hospital, and very good at her job. I think that’s why I forgave my mum for her nagging sometimes, because deep down I had a respect for her strength that I’m not sure I possess. Being a single parent I think she felt she had to be stricter than most, to compensate for the lack of a father figure and keep us in line. As a health freak, who kept her hair long and neat, she looked much younger than her forty-one years; I didn’t doubt she would have any trouble finding a new man again. But, as I looked at the book I wasn’t sure about how I would feel, seeing her with someone else. She’d managed the last ten years on her own, so why now?

I browsed through the other books; they were all self-help ones. Then I came to the last book, which caused me to raise an eyebrow, as it wasn’t one I expected to see there. It was called Ask the Angels. A Comprehensive Guide To Making A Heavenly Connection. Just as I was reading the cover mum entered the room with her duster and polish.

“Have you found religion?” I teased, holding up the book for her to see.

“What do you mean?” she asked indignantly.

I showed her the book, and she came over with a suspicious interest.

“I didn’t order that. It’s probably a freebie they sometimes send me, there’s a charity bag I’ve just put out the front, shove it in that,” she said breezing back over to her cleaning.

“Can I have it?” I asked.

“What for?” she said stiffening up.

“Don’t worry I know I’m a bit depressed just lately, but I haven’t turned to God just yet.”

I was amused by my mum’s behaviour. She’d never shown any interest in the church, and the last time she had taken me was to my own christening at nine months old. I assumed this was my dad’s choice, as mum had always said religion was stuff and nonsense.

“I just haven’t got anything to read at the mo, that’s all,” I said.

“You could borrow one of my books,” she said brightly.

“No thanks, I’m not really into Catherine Cookson.” I said, wrinkling up my nose.

“Well I’ll buy you one from the hospital shop when I’m at work later,” she continued desperately.

“Okay if it bothers you that much, I’ll put it in the charity bag,” I said and made to leave the room.

Mum went back to her cleaning, so I slipped the book into my bag while she wasn’t looking. I’m not sure why, as I didn’t really intend to read it, it was destined to be added to the rest of the junk in my room. I suddenly became aware of Rebecca’s movements from above. I really couldn’t take her taunting today so I called goodbye to mum, but she shouted me to come back.

“It’s the Christmas ball this Friday isn’t it?” she asked, looking up from her cleaning.

“I just wanted to know who this Laurence is. Are you going with him?”

My eyes widened in horror.

“Have you been reading my diary too? Is there no privacy in this house?” I fumed.

“Calm down I haven’t read your diary, Rebecca told me what you’d written.”

I opened my mouth to retaliate, but mum jumped in before I could speak.

“Before you say anything, I’ve already had a word with her about it.”

She may have done, but I still intended to have a word with her myself later when mum wasn’t around.

“So, who is he then?” asked mum eagerly.

She was trying to come across all hip mum and friendly, but I knew underneath her façade, she was secretly worried I was going to come home unexpectedly pregnant one day. With a disheartened look on my face I explained.

“You don’t have to worry he’s going with someone else, so I’m going to tag along with Steph and Callum. I’m not really that bothered,” I lied.

Mum’s shoulders dropped, it was probably more in relief than disappointment for me.

“Never mind,” she said kindly with a warm smile. “I’m sure he’s not good enough for you. Who needs a man anyway?”

This time she gave me a sad smile, that didn’t reach her eyes. I suspected she was talking more to herself than to me. She returned back to polishing the coffee table that was already shining from the buffing she had given it the previous day.

“Yeah,” I said quietly. ”Who needs a man?” Not me, but it would be nice. No it wouldn’t, don’t be stupid Hannah. Like my dad, they just let you down.

Just as I turned to leave again, Rebecca came down the stairs carrying her school bag. I knocked it out of her hand and grabbed the long plait at the back of her head. She immediately called out to mum in a whiny voice, but before she came to her rescue, I had time to give Rebecca a warning.

“You ever read my diary again and I’ll pull this plait right off your head.”

Mum appeared next to me in the hall and I let go.

“What’s going on?” she asked.

Rebecca immediately launched into her badly done to little sister act.

“She pulled my hair, and I haven’t done anything,” she cried.

Mum sighed and her shoulders dropped even further than before.

“Why can’t you two just get on? I should knock both you’re heads together.”

Rebecca launched into a protest immediately at the injustice.

“No!” said mum, holding up her hands. “Hannah go to college, Rebecca go and have your breakfast. I’m sick of this everyday.”

I headed down the hall to the front door as an enraged Rebecca called after me.

“I hate you!” she screamed.

“Yeah, I hate you too,” I called back, as I slammed the door shut.

Still seething I pushed my earphones angrily into my ears, and as usual I turned it up loud to drown out my misery. I looked at my watch and realised I’d left the house ridiculously early, so I made a small detour to a row of shops on the way to college; I was going to buy a magazine to hide behind at lunch-time. As I entered the shop, a man pushed through the door at the same time, then swung his heavy bag round that hit me in the arm - there was no apology. I turned to say something to him – or rather mutter something under my breath - but he was already half way down the street oblivious to what he’d done. I continued into the shop to discover the magazine I’d wanted was sold out, and as I left the shop in disgust with a different one, my music suddenly stopped playing in my ears - the batteries had run out. I realised I’d just spent the last of my spare cash on a magazine I didn’t even want, and wearily stuffed my useless MP3 player into my bag. I could see that another bad day had just begun.

I still got to college before most people, so I absent-mindedly scanned the notice board while I waited for Stephanie to arrive. She’d agreed to meet me there as usual; even though she wasn’t impressed by the way I’d stood her up the previous day. She’d promised to give me moral support about my fall in case anyone laughed at me on the way to class, although she said I was being oversensitive as usual. Stephanie always seemed to pick me up when I was down, even the day we met I was the tragic one and she was the comforter. My thoughts drifted back to that day. It was the first day of reception class at Clover Road County Primary School. I didn’t know anybody, and I stood in the toilets crying because I’d wet my pants. Stephanie had kindly gone to fetch the teacher, Miss Shenton, who gave me some clean underwear. Knowing that I was the youngest in the class, and that Stephanie was the oldest, and sensing that she was a stronger character; Miss Shenton had asked Stephanie to look after me for the rest of the day. It was a challenge she had gladly risen to, and I’m sure she would agree that I’m still very challenging today.

Staring at the notices for something to do, one in particular caught my eye, as it said URGENT in big red letters. On closer inspection I realised it was a notice about Paul’s memorial ball. Please say it’s been cancelled. No - I wasn’t that lucky - but this was the next best thing. It said one of the students who was organising the event had to pull out, and they urgently needed someone to fill in for them. The job was to take the tickets at the door and man the cloakroom, in exchange for free admission for part of the night. I really didn’t feel like going to the ball just to play gooseberry to Stephanie and Callum again, but Stephanie wouldn’t forgive me if I cried off for the whole evening. I was sure I could manage about half an hour of them slobbering all over each other, so I pulled the notice from the board to secure the job as my own. Not all students had arrived yet, so I waited a while longer to look for the author of the notice whose name was at the bottom of the poster; I recognised it as the head of the college council. College politics had never interested me, and although I’d heard her name mentioned a few times I had no idea what she looked like. I became vaguely aware that someone else was scanning the notice board next to me; I looked to the side and stiffened as I realised it was Justin. Was this a coincidence or was he following me? A scene from my dream suddenly came back to me. Had he managed to free himself of his straight jacket? I almost expected him to turn to me and say ‘I can catch you now’. Hannah, have you gone completely bonkers? He’s just looking at the board. I tried to look straight ahead, but couldn’t help myself taking sneaky glances his way; he appeared to be doing the same. We both took a glance at the same time, and then mirrored each other as our heads snapped back to the board. I contemplated getting my mobile phone from my bag, and texting Stephanie to meet me in the toilets, but before I could execute my plan Justin startled me.

“Hello,” he said in a quiet and surprisingly warm voice.

I slowly turned my head round to look at him, and feigned surprise that he was standing there.

“Oh… hi.” I’m sure I hadn’t fooled him.

The same feeling that I’d had the previous day when I looked into his eyes was creeping back into my stomach. I was trying to decipher if it was a good or bad feeling, when he spoke again and the feeling intensified.

“I was just wondering if you were okay, that you didn’t hurt yourself yesterday.”

Ugh yesterday. Did he really have to remind me? My face flushed as I relived the whole embarrassing episode.

“Not physically,” I said, looking down at my feet. “Only my pride,” I added with a mutter and a sigh.

“Good,” he said.

My head shot up to look at him. Good? Had I heard him right? Was he glad that my pride had been hurt?

Reading my obvious wounded expression he added, “I mean good about the physical, not the pride.” His voice sounded anxious.

“Oh.” I breathed a short nervous laugh at my foolishness, and looked down at my feet again.

“Are you going?” he asked.

I looked up and frowned at him. I was here first; did he want me to move? He nodded his head at the notice board. I followed his gaze and realised I was stood in front of another poster for the Christmas Ball; they were everywhere, taunting me. Why would he ask me that? It would be just my luck for the one everyone called ‘the college weirdo’ to ask me to go with him. I opened the notice in my hand and showed it to him.

“I’m going to volunteer,” I said, and then I looked at his face catching his eyes with my own.

Although I had been closer to him the previous day, I hadn’t noticed that he had the warmest chocolate brown eyes. There was such sadness in them though, a sadness that I’d seen in my own eyes just of late. I became aware that I’d gazed at him for longer than was comfortable, and blinked my eyes back to the board. The odd feeling was persistently occupying my stomach; it was like I had a belly full of helium that was causing my insides to feel ticklish.

“Are you going?” What did I ask that for? He might think I’m interested. I decided it was out of politeness; I think.

“No,” he answered without hesitation.

We didn’t seem to be communicating very well; I kept misreading his intentions. How idiotic of me; he wasn’t asking me to the ball. So there you have it, I couldn’t even get a date with the college weirdo who actually, once you got talking to him, didn’t seem that weird at all.

We stood in silence for what seemed like a year not looking at each other, but I was aware of his presence and eventually took tentative looks at him. He seemed closer than I’d first realised, and I felt like my helium balloon stomach was trying to lift me up off the ground. The silence was broken, but not by either of us as Stephanie and Callum walked up to me laughing noisily. I wondered if they’d seen me talking to Justin, and this was the source of their amusement, but they seemed unaware that he was there. That was because I turned back towards him, and realised he no longer was. I moved my eyes further a field scanning the now crowded corridor, and just caught a glimpse of his messy hair as he turned a corner.

“Han. Guess what?” My head spun around at the sound of Stephanie’s loud voice. “I passed my driving test yesterday.”

This explained her hilarity as she approached me. I felt ashamed; I’d forgotten she was taking it. I congratulated her and suddenly thought I could use her good mood to my advantage. Hopefully she would be too pleased about her news to be too disappointed about my lack of presence at the ball.

“C’mon lets get to class. Are you ready to face all these taunts you think you’re going to get?” she asked still smiling from ear to ear.

I took in a deep breath for courage.

“Actually Steph I’m going to have to meet you in class, I have to see somebody. Do either of you know Mia Fuller?”

“Yeah, she’s in my maths class,” Callum answered.

“Why?” asked Stephanie, her smile disappeared quickly to be replaced by confusion.

I ignored her question.

“You have maths now don’t you?” I asked Callum directly.

“Yeah.”

“Good I’ll walk with you.”

Without looking at Stephanie, I turned in the direction of the maths classrooms and called over my shoulder.

“See you in a minute Steph. C’mon Callum, I’m going to be late if we don’t go now.” Stephanie wasn’t used to this treatment from me so when I glanced back to see if Callum was following, I noticed she stood rooted to the spot wearing a stunned expression. I knew she wouldn’t be pleased that I’d brushed her aside like that, but if she found out about my plan, she would talk me round to her way of thinking like she always did. Judging by the fact that it took Callum moments to be by my side, he hadn’t waited for Stephanie’s permission to follow me; this would please her even less. I could imagine her seething face as we left her behind. I wasn’t looking forward to tackling her later but I concentrated on what I was about to do.

Stepping into the maths classroom, Callum pointed out a short girl with a blond bobbed haircut, clutching a bulging folder with Green Peace written all over the cover. As I approached her she seemed preoccupied and jittery about something, but looked relaxed and happy as I introduced myself and explained why I was there. She just had time before her class started to give me the details of my duties. I had to be back at college on Friday at six thirty to set up, and then she told me she had a reindeer hat that fastened under the chin, and a Rudolf nose that she would like me to wear. She had a misguided idea that it would get people in the mood for an early Christmas. I thought it would probably get people more in the mood for ridiculing me for looking like a complete idiot. I hadn’t foreseen this embarrassing detail and told her I’d rather not. I started to have second thoughts about volunteering, which she must have read in my expression; so she quickly backed down realising mine might be the only offer she may get at such short notice.

I reluctantly went to class and only just managed to slip in behind the history tutor, Mr Clough - no first name terms for him - who didn’t like unnecessary talking in his lectures, and almost always started his lessons before he’d shut the door, such was his enthusiasm for the subject. This worked in my favour because it meant there was absolutely no way Stephanie would be able to quiz me before lunch. The morning passed slowly while Mr Clough wittered on about the mid Tudor period, while I wrote half-hearted notes that I would try to decipher later. I tried hard to immerse myself into the life of Edward, the youngest king of England, and briefly thought myself lucky that my problems didn’t compare to having to rule a whole country at nine years old; I couldn’t even manage my own life at age seventeen. The end of lesson came and suddenly my own problems came to the forefront of my mind. Stephanie cleared her throat loudly and gave me a look as if to say ‘you are going to tell me what is going on and now’.

“Alright, but don’t be cross okay,” I pleaded.

She pursed her lips and scowled at me, then gave me a silent nod, which was her way of saying that she knew she wasn’t going to like what I was about to tell her. I grabbed my bag and we walked slowly side by side to lunch. I thought just blurting it out would be the best approach, and when I finished telling her what I’d done, Stephanie launched into her attack immediately.

“I can’t believe you’re not coming, Callum doesn’t mind you tagging along with us. Tell them you can’t do it. Tell them you’ve changed your mind. This is so not fair Hannah, you can’t do this to me.”

She stopped to take a breath then; so I made my comeback attack.

“You’re the one who said I was really miserable just lately. I don’t want to drag you down any further and you’ll have a much better time with Callum on your own. Besides it’s not like I won’t be there at all, and I can’t let them down now, it’s too late to get anyone else.”

Stephanie’s shoulders sank in defeat.

“It’s Christmas Hannah,” she said pouting like a spoilt child.

She knew I was right though. But why did she suddenly want me to spend time with her and Callum? It was only yesterday she was trying to find a way to get rid of me so they could be alone.

“I won’t forgive you for this,” she added, but she knew she would. “And don’t blame me if you have a thoroughly miserable night.”

Whether
I blamed her or not I knew I would definitely have a miserable night. Let’s face it, who would want to sit outside listening to everyone having a great time and not be able to join in? That would be someone who would be sat inside, watching everyone having a great time and still not be able to join in. That would have been me.

The rest of the day passed uneventful. Stephanie did talk to me, as I knew she would. She couldn’t help herself because even though she was miffed at me, she was also excited because she said Callum was going to give her an early Christmas present after the ball. It didn’t stop her reminding me every ten minutes though that she still couldn’t believe what I’d done; so I let her waffle on, and only took in half what she said. There also weren’t any more reminders of my accident the previous day as I thought there would be. My negative mind twisted this around to become a bad thing. I persuaded myself that I was so insignificant that even this enormous embarrassing event was of no interest to anyone - not even to ridicule me. I trudged the short walk home alone. Stephanie had bailed me out as usual and given me a spare battery, so I was able to listen to my music. I always felt like I wasn’t in this world when I had it on loud, and I couldn’t hear any other noises outside my earphones. As I walked past the park some boys about my sister’s age were walking towards me; they were throwing a school bag between them. As they past me one of them crashed into me so hard, it caused my earphones to pop out. They carried on with their game up the street without saying a word as if it had never even happened. I was reminded of the rude man at the paper shop that morning; incidents like that always seemed to happen to me.

As I turned the key of my front door, I remembered that Rebecca wasn’t coming home that night. She was having tea at her friend’s house, and then going straight to her girl guides meeting, so I couldn’t confront her again about telling mum what was in my diary. I decided it didn’t matter because at least I could have some time to myself before mum came home. She wasn’t due for another three hours so I went straight to my bedroom and put my music on loud. I threw my bag on the bed, but it fell off tipping a few items out onto the floor. One of them was the book I’d stashed there that morning; I’d forgotten about it because it had slipped between a couple of textbooks. I picked it up and threw myself onto the bed. I hadn’t really looked at it properly so I read the title again, ‘Ask the Angels. A Comprehensive Guide To Making A Heavenly Connection’. The cover of the book was mainly light blue, but from the centre of the front fanning out from a small white dot, was a whole spectrum of colours like a circular rainbow. Super imposed over the top of the rainbow was a pair of angel wings. I flipped through the first few pages and stopped as a subtitle caught my eye, ‘Help from your angel in 3 easy steps’. I read the paragraph below it. ‘An angel’s function is to provide us with help in all our spiritual and emotional needs’. I didn’t know about spiritual, but I definitely needed emotional help. I continued to read, ‘No one is exempt from their help; they will not judge. All you need to do is ask. It is as simple as that. Here is a brief guide to contacting your angel in just 3 easy steps’. That was what I needed; a quick fix solution to happiness. So I read on.

1. First you must create a relaxing atmosphere, light some candles, perhaps play some calming classical music; although the music is not necessary.

2. Get into a comfortable position. Lying down, or in a cross-legged pose whichever you prefer. Close your eyes and meditate. Clear your mind of all thoughts and feelings.

3. Once fully relaxed call out to your angel. You may do this by thought, or out loud in a calm voice. “Angel I need your help please”. Always remember to be respectful. It really is as simple as that.

You may feel a presence in the room with you, smell a pleasant odour, or see a faint glow within the room. Once you have contact you can ask for help in any area of your life. You must remember never to ask for anything that may cause harm to others.

I had never really believed in anything that wasn’t tangible before, so I took this with a pinch of salt. Still, I thought it would be fun to have a try. Heaven knows I could do with a little bit of help right now. I thought if following these three easy steps was all it took to cheer me up, then what was I waiting for? I was miserable, and hated everything in my life. Being a typical teenager mum called it. Whatever it was, I knew I wasn’t happy so, what the hell? Oops maybe I shouldn’t mention that place if I planned to contact an angel.

I set about gathering the things I needed. I searched the kitchen cupboards until I found some rose scented tea lights, and some matches bought to start this summer’s barbeque. Then I looked in mum’s music collection; I was fairly sure I didn’t have any classical music in mine. I flipped through at least seventy CD’s and I almost gave up, when I spied one near the back of the rack called ‘Serenity. Relaxing sounds of the ocean’. I wasn’t quite sure if this would be the right music, but it did say relaxing. Clutching my booty I went back up to my bedroom, and carefully placed the candles where I hoped they wouldn’t catch fire to anything. I placed the CD in the player, and made a comfortable nest of cushions on my bed to maximise my relaxation. I lit a match imagining my mother’s disapproval at me lighting candles in my messy bedroom, and made a mental note to make sure I removed all evidence before she came home. I pressed play and sat down to enjoy a moment’s meditation when an awful moaning and whistling sound filled the room. I realised it wasn’t relaxing classical music, but whale noises which were actually making me nauseous rather than relaxed. I decided to skip the music and meditate in silence. I cuddled into my nest of cushions deciding on the cross-legged position, and closed my eyes. I breathed deeply, smelling the luxurious scent wafting over from the tea lights. After a further few minutes of deep breathing, I felt relaxed enough to make my plea for help from my guardian angel.

“Er hello, are you there angel?” I asked sheepishly.

I opened my eyes half expecting to be faced with a beautiful figure in long white robes smiling down at me, ready to come and rescue me from my pathetic life. The room however, was disappointingly unchanged. Keeping my eyes open this time I tried again, but with more conviction.

“My angel, if you are there please help me. I need you to save me from my boring existence.” I waited for a response, but nothing happened.

Perhaps if I asked for help with something specific, maybe explain my plight more.

“Angel if you are listening to me, I’m feeling very low and insignificant. In fact I’m not even sure I feel anything anymore. I need some excitement in my life. I need to feel special and I need a purpose.” I waited, still nothing.

“Okay, what about a boyfriend? That’s not too much to ask is it?” I asked hopefully.

I decided a little more meditation might help, so I lay down on the cushions.

“Please help me angel, I just want to be happy.” I said drowsily, and closed my eyes.

I must have drifted off to sleep, because the next thing I knew, I was abruptly awoken by mum shouting loudly in my room.

“Hannah. For goodness sake you could have been burnt to death. You should never fall asleep with candles burning, especially in this pigsty. What did you think you were playing at?” she scolded.

I sat up and rubbed my face to wake myself up.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t intend to fall asleep, I won’t do it again,” I said yawning.

“I’m going downstairs to cook the tea. I want this room cleaned before I shout you to come down. If it’s not you won’t be going to that college ball, and Saturday’s shopping trip will definitely be cancelled.”

She left the room taking the matches and the spent tea lights with her as if she didn’t trust me not to have another go at burning myself alive. Suddenly remembering why I was in my wonderfully smelling bedroom, I lay back down feeling deflated that my quest for heavenly help had been fruitless. I felt foolish now that I’d thought it would work. I leaned over, picked up the book and threw it across the room; it hit my chest of drawers, and caused several items that cluttered the top to crash down to the even more cluttered floor. I stood up, and looked around at the junk that adorned every surface. I could hear mum singing in the kitchen while she made something healthy for us to eat. I thought about how she was always doing something - never still - how she had a hundred and one things to do, but still found the time to do some more. She was amazing when my dad left keeping it together as she did. She must be feeling lonely too I thought as I remembered the dating book she’d bought, but she never complained about it. I suddenly felt like I’d been slapped in the face. Wow, had I just had my first responsible thought? Surely not. Whatever it was it caused me to start tidying my room. I wasn’t quite finished cleaning, but when mum came up to tell me our meal was ready she seemed pleased by my effort, which actually made me feel a slight pride, and satisfied with myself.

Tuesday 17th November

Dear Diary

I’m not going into the ball for long on Friday; I’ve volunteered to help out instead. Stephanie didn’t take it too well, although by the end of the day she was hyped up because her dad’s taking her to look at new cars now she’s passed her test. I’m really jealous, but there’s no point in me taking lessons, there’s no way I could afford a car.

I’m not all that thrilled about not going to the ball. I think Stephanie thinks I’ve done it just to annoy her, but I couldn’t take another night out watching people being with someone and enjoying themselves. I’m fed up of feeling like I’m on the outside looking in. I would have loved to go, I just didn’t want to go alone. Laurence is totally out of the picture now. Stephanie was all for shaving Lucy’s hair off in her sleep so she couldn’t go to the ball. I don’t know why she’s still bothered, I told her I didn’t care. I’m not even sure I like Laurence anymore.

I had this strange little conversation this morning with Justin, I’m not even sure why I’m telling you, it was so insignificant. He does have nice eyes though.

Tried to contact my angel earlier, how stupid do I feel now. It didn’t work anyway. Perhaps it has something to do with me not believing in all that rubbish.

Oh well still sleepy from the meditation

Hannah.

Wednesday 18th November

Dear Diary

Not much happened today apart from Justin giving me a strange look when we walked past his table at lunch. I should have been more freaked out, but I wasn’t. Stephanie told him really loudly to stop staring; I felt a bit sorry for him cos everyone stared at him instead, and he left the cafeteria before he’d finished his food.

Stephanie is going to pick up her new car at the weekend; at least now we won’t have to rely on her dad taking us everywhere. Talking of Stephanie she’s still harping on about Laurence, it’s starting to get on my nerves, even Callum’s noticed and he got annoyed with her about it. Doesn’t she realise that Laurence is a hopeless case now. I’m not sure I’d go out with him even if he changed his mind.

I actually tidied more of my room again tonight; I’m getting good at this de-cluttering. I swear I’m sleeping better, and my room feels great. Just a minute, am I feeling optimistic for the first time in ages? That doesn’t seem like me. Goodnight diary.

Hannah

 

Thursday 19th November

 

Dear Diary

I have much to tell you. I had a strange encounter with Justin again today. He kept taking sneaky looks at me at lunch. I know I wanted attention from a boy, but he wasn’t exactly the one I was expecting. I’m not sure how I feel about it. After I left Stephanie to go to my English class he came towards me in the corridor. He seemed to be staring at my arm, and then as he got closer he stopped to say something to me, but changed his mind, shook his head, then carried on walking. Weird. Diary, you don’t think he was trying to ask me to the ball do you?

Anyway that’s not all; Stephanie and Callum had a really big fight today, she wouldn’t tell me what about, but you could cut the atmosphere with a knife at lunch. I don’t know what’s going to happen at the ball tomorrow. I don’t know if they‘re still going together, but if they do I’m so glad I don’t have to spend all of the evening with them.

A tutor barged past me today and knocked me flying, she didn’t even turn to look what she’d done. Honestly that’s the 3^rd time this week that’s happened; I may as well be invisible. Now I know what a ghost feels like.

Hannah

P.s. I don’t know what I’d do diary, without you to talk to.

3

Ten more minutes with you.

 

I WOKE ON FRIDAY MORNING WITH A SLIGHT HEADACHE. The scent of roses was still strong in my room, so I got up and opened the window to let some fresh air in. I quickly closed it again as the air that came in from outside was bitter. There had been a promise of early snow, it was certainly cold enough, but it was yet to arrive. I should have been excited as I suddenly remembered that tonight was the college ball. I wasn’t excited though; I was dreading it. Could I really stand there watching everyone going in and enjoying themselves? I had to I’d volunteered, so I had to just get on with it.

I could hear mum getting ready in the bathroom and Rebecca was probably in her room again; she’d been spending most of her time in there just lately. I think she was avoiding me, as she knew I was still on the warpath about reading my diary. When we were in the same room together, she made sure we were never alone. I don’t know why I just couldn’t let it go, but she knew my diary meant a lot to me and held my deepest thoughts that no little sister should be witness to. I didn’t need to see her to get my own back though. I could just ruin something of hers that she liked; that would be a more fitting revenge. After all, hadn’t she ruined my life since she’d been born? I sighed, knowing I wouldn’t, perhaps I was taking it too far now. She was a pain in the neck, but I wasn’t that mean; just a quick slap when mum wasn’t looking would suffice.

My thoughts of revenge would have to wait as mum called my name and informed me that the bathroom was free. I dragged myself out of bed, and sauntered across the landing. I mechanically filled my toothbrush with toothpaste and started to brush my teeth, taking in the dishevelled state of my hair in the mirror. I leaned over the bowl to spit out the excess white foamy paste that had built up in my mouth, and then lifted my head to scrutinize my appearance again. My heart stopped momentarily as the mirror showed a blue glow behind me. I dropped the toothbrush and turned quickly, but there was nothing there apart from the shiny white tiles on the bathroom wall. My heart started to beat again as I turned back to the mirror, and discovered the blue light was gone there too. The bathroom blind was open slightly, and I tried to appease my panic with an explanation that someone across the alleyway at the back of the house, must have shone a blue light towards my window, which bounced off the tiles behind me. I didn’t fully believe my explanation, as I wasn’t sure that the slats on the blind were open enough to make this possible, but I couldn’t think of anything else that would cause the light to happen. I pulled one of the plastic slats up and peaked through the gap; I couldn’t see anyone, and a closer examination of the tiled wall told me it definitely wasn’t there anymore. It was probably just my imagination in the first place; perhaps I was still half asleep. I picked up my toothbrush and continued to clean my teeth, all the while taking quick tentative looks behind me, then again in the mirror, but the blue light never came back.

I still felt somewhat uneasy as I left the bathroom, but when I entered my bedroom I felt instantly relaxed as I breathed in the calming odour that still lingered from the scented tea lights. My mind was momentarily distracted by the smell because I was sure it should have faded; even my clothes had taken on a faint scent of roses. After dressing in black leggings, a purple t-shirt with a long grey v-neck jumper over the top and my favourite black belt with the purple rose buckle. I made my way downstairs to the kitchen where mum was just finishing her cereal. I made myself a bowl and sat down at the table, just as mum got up and went immediately to the sink to wash up.

“Rebecca won’t be here again tonight, she’s staying out at another friend’s house,” said mum, as she dried her hands.

I nearly choked on a spoonful of cereal.

“Again? She’s only ten. She has more friends and a better social life than me,” I said incredulously.

“Don’t be silly. You’re going out tonight aren’t you?” she asked, picking up her bag, and checking that she had everything she needed. Of course there was no need to check; she was always prepared for everything.

Mum poked her head out of the kitchen door and shouted up the stairs.

“C’mon Becs, we’re going to be late.”

There was a bang from above us, and I instantly shot up out of my seat. My bedroom was above the kitchen which meant Rebecca must have been in there. Mum turned to look at my enraged expression.

“She’s in my room again,” I shouted. “She’s gone too far this time,” I said, slamming my spoon down. I made to leave the kitchen, but mum blocked my way.

“I’ll deal with this, go back to your breakfast,” she said sternly. I glared at her. “Now!” she said more forcefully.

I tutted in disgust and reluctantly headed back to the kitchen table, planning how I could get past her to rip my little sisters hair out.

I heard Rebecca’s footstep on the stairs and it ignited my rage again. I couldn’t help myself shouting as her face appeared at the door without even a guilty trace.

“I know you’ve been in my room again Becs. If my diary has moved even an inch I’m going to go in your room and rip the head off Bunty.”

Bunty was a stuffed Rabbit that she’d had since she was born and she still treated it like it was alive. Once she’d lost it - or so she thought - and hadn’t slept until it was found two weeks later stuffed down the side of the chair. I did feel slightly guilty at the pandemonium I’d caused, but I never confessed it had been me. She’d cried with happiness when she found him, so I knew threatening the ragged lump of material and stuffing would really hit home.

“Mum!” she screamed, panic stricken.

“She isn’t going to touch it,” said mum, shooting me a disapproving look.

“I hate you! I wish you were dead!” Rebecca shouted, her face turning puce.

“Rebecca!” mum shouted, her eyes wide in horror. “That’s a horrible thing to say.”

I could tell she had come to the end of her tether. She didn’t lose her temper very often so we knew to be quiet when she did, or we lost so many privileges.

“Rebecca I will deal with you in the car, go now.” She commanded, handing her the car keys. “And you,” she said turning to me. “You should know better.”

I opened my mouth to retaliate. I knew my shopping trip was already in jeopardy - I was so close to getting my dream shoes - so thought the better of it and shut my mouth again. Instead I sat quietly back down brooding and picked up my spoon.

“We’re going to get together on Sunday and sort this out once and for all,” she said, checking her watch. “I’ve got to go, my shift starts in half an hour. Now, you won’t be coming home on your own tonight will you?” she asked me as she put on her coat.

I rolled my eyes and huffed, testing the boundaries even further than I knew I should. “No. Stephanie and Callum said they would walk me home,” forgetting that they might not actually be going due to the arguments they’d had yesterday.

I wouldn’t have told mum this though or she would just worry all day, then meet me outside college to chaperone me home; I couldn’t take any more humiliation in my life. She came over to me and as she kissed the top of my head, she looked at my still sullen expression.

“Come on Hannah, it’s not worth it. She’s your sister you’re supposed to look after each other.”

I didn’t alter my position or my face; I just pushed my cereal around my bowl sulkily. Mum sighed knowing it was useless to try to talk me round. She left the kitchen and as she headed down the hall to the front door, she called….

“If I’m not back in time tonight, there’s some salad in the fridge for your tea. Have a great time and have a boogie for me.”

I sighed as I realised she must have forgotten that I’d told her; I wasn’t actually going to the ball to enjoy myself, but to work. Thanks for remembering mum, and rubbing it in that I’m sad and lonely and have no one to go to the ball with. Any minute now the ugly sisters will walk in and demand that I clean their clothes and scrub the floors.

I quickly ran upstairs to check my diary before I left, but it hadn’t moved. Still I made a mental note to find a better place to hide it when I got back later.

When I got to college there was a frenzy of excitement. I could hear fragments of conversations as I moved down the corridors. ‘I still haven’t decided what to wear’, ‘There’s a party after the ball do you want to go?’ ‘Do you need a lift home?’ It was like they were all members of a club and I wasn’t allowed to join. I put my earphones in and turned the music up really loud to drown out the annoying chatter. An uplifting drumbeat filled my ears and I instantly thought of Callum. It wasn’t a band I listened to regularly, but Callum had insisted they were good. I could see why he liked them, the beat made me want to dance. Callum dreamed he would join a band like them one day, but there were many obstacles in his way - mainly that he couldn’t play an instrument and couldn’t sing a tuneful note if his life depended on it. Perhaps he should stick to his numbers I thought with a smile, but then my mood saddened slightly at the thought of him and Stephanie not talking to each other at lunch the previous day. I hoped whatever it was they could work things out. I know I missed my friend since he came on the scene, but Callum was really sweet and would never wish bad things for him. He wasn’t someone I would have imagined Stephanie to go for with his brown curly hair; she preferred blonds. Callum hung from her every word, she was lucky to have him; I just hoped that she could see that. Suddenly lonely thoughts crept back into my mind. Stop it for goodness sake; having a boyfriend isn’t everything. I didn’t even think I was bothered until Stephanie started putting thoughts in my head.

I stood in my usual place in front of the notice board waiting for Stephanie. I felt someone drift past me and smelt a strong rose scent. I wondered if there was a new rose-scented perfume out and turned to ask the person who passed close by me, but there were quite a few people about that and it could have been anyone. I sniffed appreciatively and turned back to the board. I remembered Tuesday morning and I looked to the side, but there was no sign of Justin today. Was that a slight pang of disappointment I was feeling? I stood there thinking about him. I didn’t even know what subjects he was studying. I thought I’d seen him once with a large folder, the kind the art students used. I wondered what things he liked to draw. I also wondered why I was wondering anything about Justin at all. I thought about what Stephanie would say if she could read my thoughts. ‘Oh Please Hannah not him, I couldn’t sit with the college weirdo at lunch. Have you lost your mind too?’ Had I? I know he sometimes did the occasional strange thing, but don’t we all? And he did seem nice enough when we spoke. Was I thinking Plan B seemed suddenly not so bad after all? I sighed. Don’t be ridiculous Hannah. Just forget it. Stephanie would just give me a hard time over it. Still, I craned my neck to look over the now bustling corridor looking for him when Stephanie and Callum came into view. I smiled, as it was obvious they’d made up. They were holding hands, their shoulders touching and their heads leaning close to each other as they held a private conversation. I noticed my heart strings tighten, constricting the beating in my chest. I felt like it would stop one day before I had chance to give it to someone else. Was I more bothered about being alone than I thought? They started giggling between themselves as they approached; all the tension had gone between them. Stephanie looked up and smiled at me dreamily. I didn’t want them to break up, but it would be nice not to be part of this threesome. Stephanie turned to Callum and their faces moved closer for a kiss. I sucked in my breath and looked away while they had their private moment, but as I did I caught sight of Justin’s messy hair further down the corridor. The strings round my heart loosened and allowed it to beat abnormally fast. He turned and disappeared around a corner. I wanted to yell come back, but why? It wasn’t as if I was interested in him or anything, was I?

“Han?” I heard faintly.

Stephanie put her hand on my arm. My head snapped round.

“What”?

I looked at her and realised I still had the music blasting in my ears. I pulled out my earphones.

“Are you alright? You look like you’re going to faint.” She asked, with a concerned frown.

“Yes,” I lied. “I just had my music on a bit too loud.”

I turned the music off and tried to take in some deep breaths - delicious rose scented breaths - because I did feel slightly disorientated. Stephanie glanced up to the poster advertising the ball on the notice board, and concluded that I was miserable about that. She opened her mouth, most likely to say I told you so, but thought better of it and snapped it shut again. Instead she went into her familiar ‘cheer Hannah up’ mode, which I was grateful for.

“You smell nice.”

“Thanks,” I said with a weak smile. She took this as her cue that flattery was working, so she continued.

“I’ve not seen you in that jumper for ages, it suits you.” She had, but I let her carry on as we walked to class.

At lunch there was more of the excitement that had filled the corridors that morning. I managed to tune it all out, and concentrate on the food on offer as Stephanie and I filled our trays. I hadn’t noticed that Laurence was in the queue immediately behind me until Stephanie turned to say something and caught sight of him. She looked past me and flashed a smile at him.

“Laurence,” she called over me. “Your dad called this morning. He said my car would be ready this afternoon in time to drive to the ball. I can’t wait.”

I noticed her voice had become animated and loud. She looked at me, but continued to talk loud enough so that Laurence could still hear.

“Laurence’s dad owns the car showroom where I’m getting my new car from. Laurence was there when we went and helped me pick out a car, didn’t you Laurence?”

I turned to look at him.

“Yes it’s a four year old, Volkswagen Polo, one point two litre engine, central locking, power assisted steering, body colour bumpers. It’s only done sixteen thousand miles. She’s got a good deal for the price.”

I gazed at him with a blank expression. I had no idea what he’d just said. I switched off after the word Volkswagen; I knew nothing about cars.

“It’s metallic blue,” shrieked Stephanie from behind me. This was all she probably understood about it too.

“We had it in the showroom for ages,” continued Laurence. “No one seemed to be interested in it. I thought it would be perfect for Steph.” Then he flashed a smile, which showed an amazingly vast amount of teeth. I flinched because I’d never noticed them before and found them quite disconcerting. Pictures of sharks filled my thoughts. I had to force my eyes away and looked down at my tray. Movement on Laurence’s tray caught my eye, as I’m sure his drink moved by itself. Don’t be stupid Hannah, drinks don’t move by themselves. I stared at it some more, but nothing happened. Stephanie took my silence to be shyness, so she introduced me properly to Laurence.

“This is Hannah by the way, if you hadn’t already guessed,” she said, giving a small nervous laugh.

I looked up dismissing the moving drink as just my imagination, and stared at Stephanie. I hadn’t seen her act this way before; she was always so self-assured. She must have been feeling the effects of Laurence’s teeth, just like me. I turned to him again and gave him a nod and a tight-lipped smile.

“You took quite a fall the other day didn’t you?” he said grinning. I hadn’t expected him to stab me in the heart quite so soon. “I hope you didn’t hurt yourself. I’m not used to girls falling for me like that.”

Ugh was that charm he was trying to ooze or did he think he was being funny? Whatever it was it made me take an instant dislike to him. His concern didn’t seem as sincere as it should - not as sincere as Justin. I hadn’t forgotten what Callum had said, that Laurence had laughed instead of being worried about me. So what did he want, for me to cringe in embarrassment? If not I’m sure he wouldn’t have mentioned it again.

“You have to admit it was very funny,” he continued, chuckling to himself.

I should have been flushing bright red by now in mortification, but to my surprise I just felt irritated by his presence. I looked at him properly and listened to my heart; I expected it to be trying to beat its way out of my chest. After all hadn’t he been the object of my desires earlier in the week? It’s amazing what a difference a few days make because now as I looked at his blue eyes and short strawberry blond hair, I realised that I didn’t actually find him that attractive. I suddenly found a new confidence. I took in a deep breath and lifted my shoulders.

“You’re right. It was absolutely hysterical. I’m almost falling over again with laughter,” I said sarcastically.

I wanted him to think I didn’t care and he be the embarrassed one for bringing it up. I looked at him with my best steely stare, and studied his face to see if it had the desired effect. Judging by his confused expression he didn’t know what to think. Okay, confusion. I’ll settle for that. Then I turned away from him feeling quite exhilarated.

I ushered Stephanie further down the line before she could apologise for my outburst, and weaken my defences with a plea of insanity on my behalf.

When we sat down Stephanie immediately questioned me coming to Laurence’s defence, which surprised me.

“What was that all about?” She asked sternly.

“Nothing I just don’t like old lines like that, it was a bit naff.” I tried to mimic his voice, “I’m not used to girls falling for me like that. Who does he think he is? I bet he follows in his dad’s footsteps and sells cars. He’s definitely boring and cheesy enough. I can’t believe I almost let you talk me into going to the ball with him. I’m thinking I made a lucky escape now.” I was breathing heavily with rage.

“Calm down will you? He said he hoped you hadn’t hurt yourself didn’t he?”

“Stephanie, didn’t you hear him laughing at me?” I asked incredulously.

Why is she defending him? All the exhilaration I’d been feeling was starting to slowly seep out of me.

“Oh come on Hannah. Why can’t you just stop over reacting as usual? He was having a joke with you. I like him. I’m getting fed up with this poor miserable me attitude, I just don’t understand what your problem is,” she said, shaking her head.

She fished a magazine out of her bag and flicked through it angrily. This meant the conversation was over for her; she always had to have the last say. I wish she would just listen to me for once. I leant back in my chair and picked at the tuna sandwich I’d bought. My face was red now and resembled that of a scolded child. Callum joined us then, and it was his turn to cut the atmosphere with a knife. After a strained lunch it appeared Stephanie had decided to go with an ‘I’m right and your wrong, but we won’t say anything else about it’ attitude, so we parted with an awkward goodbye and a promise to see each other later at the ball. I was grateful that Stephanie wasn’t in my next class so I could brood alone. The afternoon passed slowly and I trudged home dreading the evening to come. I felt so lonely, but I was glad there was no one at home because I sat at the kitchen table, put my head in my hands, and wept until I ran out of tears.

I always felt tired, but quite serene after I’d had a good cry like I’d cleansed my problems away through my eyes - just for a short while at least. Feeling drained I looked up to the clock, which told me I had two hours before I needed to be back at college. There was just one thing I definitely had to do first. Just to be sure my blues stayed away for the rest of the day. I went upstairs to my bedroom and carefully slid my diary out from under my mattress. Looking at one of the corners that had become damaged as it had dropped out of my bag and down the stairs earlier in the year, reminded me that I must buy a new one for the next year; which was only a matter of weeks away. Every year I searched for one with a purple rose on the cover, but I never found one. I looked at the one in my hands now; although it had no flowers on the cover this was my favourite one since I’d started to keep a diary ten years ago. It was covered in a thick purple material with a black velvet cat stitched onto the cover. The word diary and the four numbers depicting the year were finely embroidered, also in black, at the top. When I bought it, I thought the black cat would bring me luck for the forthcoming year. So far it hadn’t worked, but I still had a few weeks left for the cat’s magic to take effect, I reminded myself hopefully. I opened it at the very first entry and read the first page.

Thursday 1^st January

 

Dear Diary

Happy New Year, will it be? Last years Diary is safely packed away with the others so I should fill you in on a little of what happened because I was too drained to write last night. Stephanie had asked me to go to her house because her family were having a big New Years bash, but naturally, I couldn’t go because mum and Becs would have been sat here alone and mum thought it would be nice if we spent the last evening of the year together. By 11 o’clock I could have gone out to find a nice high bridge to jump from. Playing twister and drinking homemade fruit punch is not my idea of a great night. Matters were made worse when mum invited the new neighbours in. They’re an old couple called Mr and Mrs Sheep (yeah I know I didn’t believe it when I first heard it). Luckily they only stayed an hour and left shortly after midnight. Not before Mr Sheep gave me a whiskey laden peck on the cheek to wish me Happy New Year, and expressing if only he were a few years younger. I found it slightly sickening; he would have to be a few centuries younger. Yuck I hate old people.

I didn’t get up until 2 o’clock this afternoon. Stephanie called while I was in bed. I’m glad I missed her she probably wanted to gloat about how brilliant her party was. I couldn’t be anymore depressed than I already am. I really hope I have some life changing experience this year, I’m not feeling optimistic, but then again I never am.

 

Hannah

 

I randomly chose another day.

Friday 13 February

 

Dear Diary

 

I had a not so good day, then a not so bad day today. Firstly I fell down the last few stairs this morning and scraped my arm, then I had to go and change my clothes because Becs spilt her drink on me at breakfast; I swear she did it on purpose. I get to college and Stephanie has six valentine’s cards stuffed through the slats in her locker. One of them was from a boy she really likes called Callum. We knew it was from him because he wrote his name on it. When Stephanie asked him why he’d done that, he said it was logical. If he wanted her to be his valentine, why make her guess when she might get it wrong and end up with someone else. He then wrote an equation on her hand showing her the odds on her not guessing right to try and prove his point; I assume he’s doing maths. Stephanie doesn’t always use her full quota of brain cells so she hadn’t got a clue what he was talking about, but whatever it was it worked because she’s going to the pictures with him tomorrow. Anyway, onto my news, shock horror. I also had a card in my locker, just one, but who cares it was a card. Stephanie made me open it at lunch even though I wanted to wait until tomorrow. Stephanie was really jealous because it had been handmade by someone obviously very talented. It’s a pencil drawn picture of me at lunch yesterday. I think it’s yesterday because I recognise what I’m wearing. I’m cradling my chin in the palm of my hand with my elbow on the table looking out of the window, obviously thinking about how miserable my life is. The words inside read ‘I often wonder what you are thinking about, I truly wish it was me’. Nothing else. Why couldn’t my admirer be logical and put his name on. Callum had a point because now I’m going to have a sleepless night wondering who it is. Diary I truly have no idea who sent it, but if I find out you will be the first to know.

Hannah

I flipped to the previous page to find out if I’d written what I’d been thinking of in the pencil drawing and read a few lines.

The strange boy at college, the one I feel sorry for because he’s always alone, well they’ve been calling him the college weirdo again because he was talking to himself. I think it’s really mean what they say as there might be something wrong with him. Anyway he spilt his drink on me at lunch today, all down my new grey jumper. He bumped straight into me after dodging out of the way of something that wasn’t there. Stephanie laid into him, which made me feel bad because he looked so apologetic and tried to say sorry, but she wouldn’t give him chance to say anything.

‘Oh wow’, I mouthed looking up from my diary; it was as if a light had been switched on in my brain. I flipped to the back of the book where I’d stored the valentine card and looked at my face in the drawing. I knew exactly what I’d been thinking about. The picture had been drawn immediately after the drinks incident. I remembered how Stephanie had wanted to go over to Justin because he kept looking at us, but I wouldn’t let her. He must have been looking at me so he could draw the picture. It had to be him it all added up. He was an artist; I’d seen him with his artist folder. He was sat in his usual seat and we were sat in ours; this gave him the view point the artist of the card would have had. I looked at the words again inside the card. ‘I often wonder what you were thinking about I truly wish it were me’. Talk about Stephanie not using her full quota of brain cells. How could I not have realised before? Justin had written that and his wish had been granted, I had been thinking about him.

I was shocked by my new discovery, and I was desperate to write about it. I couldn’t because a quick glance at the clock told me if I didn’t start to get ready immediately, I’d be late. I threw my diary aside and headed for the bathroom. I still felt stunned as I stepped out of the shower, and decided I would take my diary with me. I wanted to go over what I’d just read to check that I hadn’t made a mistake, and I wondered if I’d mentioned him again. I kept looking at the card as I quickly dried my hair. What if I was wrong? Perhaps I should summon some courage and just ask him; after all, being upfront had worked for Callum. I had too much to think about, and wondered if I could get out of going into the ball completely. Perhaps Mia would let me man the desk all night, and I could be alone with my thoughts. Even if she did agree, I still wanted to look my best, as more than two thirds of the college would be passing by me giving me their tickets and handing me their coats. I knew Justin said he wasn’t going, but what if he turned up anyway? So, just cos he may or may not be the mystery Valentine, it’s not as if you want to impress him or anything, is it?

I chose my outfit carefully. I threw many aside before finally settling for a slim fitting black t-shirt, black leggings, with a grey smock pinafore over the top which I gathered tightly as the waist with a thin purple coloured belt and a pair of purple ballet pumps. I put on some makeup and straightened my messy hair, adding a small purple rose shaped clip to the side. Satisfied I picked up my bag and looked at the clock again; I had to leave now so I quickly scanned my room for things I needed to take with me. I stuffed a brush, lip-gloss, mirror, phone and finally my diary into my bag and with a last glance in the full-length mirror next to my wardrobe, I fled from the room.

When I opened the front door I discovered it was raining a little. I could hear mum’s ever-cautious words inside my head and grabbed a black hooded jacket and umbrella, and headed outside. Half way to college I wished that I’d put some better shoes on my feet; they were soaking. When I finally made it without my toes falling off from the cold; I was greeted by Mia, who was almost hyperventilating with worry. She left the other student volunteers and some tutors putting decorations up, and took me to the drama department who had promised to lend her some clothes racks for the coats. We wheeled them back, and then she began to explain about the coat tickets. Her voice seemed to fade away as I couldn’t help my mind from wandering. My over active imagination got the better of me, and I pictured Justin drawing me from afar like some secret artist obsessed with his muse. I jumped as Mia shrieked at me.

“Are you listening?”

I looked at her, and her expression showed one of panic.

“Mia, relax. You’re doing a great job, just breathe” I soothed.

She sucked in a breath, filling her lungs to the full then slowly exhaled chanting ‘calm’ to herself.

“That perfume you’re wearing is glorious. It has a really calming effect.”

I smiled. I knew she was talking about the rose smell; I was getting used to it now. I’d come to the conclusion that mum had been using a new fabric conditioner, and Mia was right it was very, very soothing. She suddenly snapped her eyes open.

“Right” she said abruptly. “Back to it. Most people have already bought their tickets, but there will still be some who need to buy one. So if Katie and me do the coats, you sort the tickets. I still can’t persuade you to wear the Rudolf hat can I?” she asked me hopefully.

I shook my head, and looked at her apologetically.

“Oh well never mind,” she said with a sigh. “Katie wasn’t too keen when I suggested she dress as an elf, so I left my Santa outfit at home.”

Using this as my opportunity to opt out of the ball completely; I offered to man the ticket table for the whole night, claiming that I didn’t feel much like dancing. I said I had a good book I wanted to read, so she and the other volunteers didn’t have to take turns as long as she checked on whether I needed anything every now and then. Mia really did think her Christmas had come early, and she happily agreed.

Music suddenly burst from the hall, and there was a loud cheer. We both looked round sharply as we hadn’t noticed the crowd that had gathered outside.

“Right,” said Mia, giving me a look of sheer horror. “I’ll just check everything’s ready in there, then we can start letting people in.”

She turned on her heel and disappeared into the hall and I took my place behind the table that Mia must have put there earlier. She came back followed by a tall, thin girl, with her hair scraped back into the longest ponytail I’d ever seen. I assumed this was Katie, and I couldn’t help grinning as an image of her dressed unhappily as a giant elf leapt into my head. She gave me an uneasy grin back; either she assumed I was sharing her nervous anticipation or she was imagining me in my Rudolf hat. She handed me a lockable money tin, which contained some change and some spare tickets.

“Right!” shrieked Mia “Let’s get started.”

Mia’s anxiety was contagious. My heart was pounding as she clicked the lock open on the doors. A bustle of excited students pushed their way forward, all trying to be first in the queue. A group of girls with their skin fake-tanned to perfection, and wearing enough perfume to overpower even my strong rose scented smell, came rushing up brandishing their tickets. They walked straight past Mia as they weren’t wearing coats, and the vast amount of orange flesh on show was covered in goose bumps from the cold outside. I winced at the thought of them going out like that, but it didn’t seem to bother them as they pushed through the hall doors. Next was a boy I recognised from my psychology class. He didn’t want to take his jacket off, and it was so obvious he was trying to disguise the fact that he had alcohol stored in his pockets. Mia was too keyed up to notice as he slunk passed her. A few more people passed, handed in tickets, and some left their coats on the rack. Just as I was starting to get a grip on my nerves, Laurence and Lucy walked up to the table and were surprisingly followed by Stephanie and Callum. Callum looked like he wasn’t happy to be there, and I wondered if they’d had another argument. Laurence gave me a confused look.

“Hannah, aren’t you coming in?” he asked, flashing his shark teeth.

“No she’s being boring and miserable aren’t you Hannah?” Stephanie put in from behind Laurence.

No one said anything. I gave her a sad hurt look; judging from her embarrassed expression she looked like she regretted saying anything.

I took their tickets, and Callum looked at me apologetically, which I was grateful for.

“See you in a bit then,” said Stephanie. She didn’t sound very hopeful.

“Yeah.” I said, giving her a weak smile. I was glad then I’d made the decision not to go in.

As the stragglers came through, Mia turned to me.

“Do you think you will be able to cope now?” she asked.

“Yeah, sure. You go in and enjoy yourselves.”

I genuinely meant it. I liked Mia; her enthusiasm was quite uplifting. I wanted her to go in and have a good time. It had absolutely nothing to do with me being left alone so I could read my diary. Not much.

“Are you sure you don’t want to go in later?” she asked.

“No,” I said a little impatiently, and guided her and Katie towards the doors.

“Go on, I’ll be fine honest.”

Once alone I sat receptionist like behind the desk, reached for my bag, and pulled out my diary. I didn’t want to risk missing any suggestion of Justin in the writing so I turned to the second entry and read carefully for the next hour and a half, only stopping briefly when interrupted by three people leaving early needing their coats, two people arriving late without tickets, and one when Mia came back to make sure I wasn’t bursting for the toilet.

Besides what I’d already read in the diary about Justin, and what I’d written in the past week, I was shocked to discover I’d mentioned him seventeen more times throughout the year. Including one on the 15^th of May, when I’d been in the park near my home with mum; Justin had wheeled past me on his skateboard. He must have recognised me and slowed down, glancing behind him a few times. I wrote that I thought he’d smiled at me and mum had told me I had to stay away from boys like that; skateboards always made her nervous. ‘They belong to boys that were no good’, she’d said. Another was on 2^nd September, the first day back at college after the summer holidays. I mentioned that I’d caught him looking at me again, but that was all. Another was only two weeks ago when I’d dropped my bag, and he was behind me picking it up before I could even stoop to retrieve it. I wrote that I’d only muttered a quick ‘thanks’ before running to my next class, as I was late again. All of the entries about him were similar, they weren’t really happenings of any consequence, but I had recorded them in my diary non-the less. I questioned how I’d never noticed this before, and wondered what it could mean.

I took the valentine card out of the back sleeve of my diary to examine it again. I’d been so engrossed in my investigation that I jumped as the door to outside opened. I looked up and my heart shot straight up to my mouth, and down again where it settled back into my chest, beating madly. Justin had just walked in, and was heading straight towards me. I dived under the table to shove my diary back into my bag, and saw his feet stop on the other side. He was wearing black Converse boots. They were quite worn but it didn’t matter, I’d always liked those kinds of shoes, and had a cheap version myself. As I came back up I hit my head on the table; I pulled myself up to standing and imagined I must look like an embarrassed beetroot to him as I felt my cheeks flush fiercely.

“Are you okay?” he asked in his kind voice.

He wasn’t laughing, and I had to applaud him for this remarkable ability he had for keeping a straight face at my blunders.

“Yeah, I just dropped something.” I blurted.

“Maybe I could help you look for it.”

He started to bend down to look under the table. I thought about my diary, I wasn’t sure if I’d managed to get it back in my bag properly.

“NO!” I shouted. He straightened up abruptly surprised by my outburst. “No.” I repeated quietly with a tortured smile “Thanks, I’ll find it later.”

As he looked at me I saw there was a hint of a smile, and his eyes took on a softness, which replaced his usual hard, sad look he always seemed to have. The strange helium filled feeling returned to the base of my stomach, and slowly grew as he continued to stare at me; then his gaze switched to my arm, and his expression became serious again. I wondered if he really was unhinged, and I should run away as fast as I could, but I knew I wouldn’t.

“Do you want a ticket?” I heard my mouth ask.

He blinked, and looked at me blankly as if he’d forgotten why he was there. He took a deep breath in, taking another quick glance at my arm, then finally said, “Yes please,” and began to search his pockets for some money.

I took in his whole appearance then. He had such a kind trusting face. He was wearing jeans and a plain black t shirt, he wore a hooded grey sweat jacket under an old dark coloured overcoat the kind an old man would wear, but it seemed to suit his quirky nature. He had droplets of rain in his messy brown hair that looked as if it was once cut into a short neat style, but was now a little overgrown. I was grateful that my thoughts were my own because a picture of me running my fingers through it popped into my head. Justin spoke, bringing me out of my fantasy.

“What?” I said with a start.

“My ticket.”

“Oh right.”

My cheeks flushed red again as I pulled a ticket out of the book, and handed it to him. His fingers brushed mine, and my breath caught in my lungs. My pulse was pounding in my ears. I was feeling very hot and light headed. Suddenly the door to the hall crashed open and two boys came bounding out laughing. My head shot round to look at them and it kick started my breathing again. Luckily, Justin looked round at them too so he missed me panting slightly as I tried to catch my breath. They asked for their coats, and I turned around grateful for the distraction. I turned back expecting Justin not to be there like last time, but there he was, watching me. He’d placed his hands in his pockets. Had he noticed my reaction when he touched my hand? Was he worried that if they touched again, I may faint this time? Or could it be that he might faint? I quickly dismissed this ridiculous notion; I couldn’t possibly affect someone in that way. I handed the boys their coats, we watched them leave, and I turned back to Justin. I quickly scoured my brain to think of something to say to him. For some reason, I wanted to prolong his stay at the table. Think of something quick.

“I thought you said you weren’t coming.” Not that, it sounds like you don’t want him here. Do I?

And then I fully realised now what the light airy feeling I’d been having in my stomach was. It meant I definitely wanted him there. I wondered what had got into me. I didn’t remember ever having such a strong reaction to a boy like this before.

“I wasn’t going to come, but I needed… I wanted to.”

He looked down, and as I waited for him to finish his sentence, the anxiety between us seemed to increase. The rose smell around me suddenly intensified. I inhaled, and somehow it managed to help me to control my nerves. Justin must have been able to smell the floral scent too, because his nostrils flared slightly as he took in a long deep breath. He finally looked up again, and spoke more calmly.

“I wanted to see if there was anyone worth talking to inside,” he said, then seemingly searched my eyes for some kind of answer, but I didn’t know what the question was; despite the rose smell I couldn’t think straight. I suddenly knew what I wanted the question to be though. Will you run away with me? Whoa girl, slow down. What is wrong with you?

“Will you be going inside?” he asked me expectantly.

“I can’t leave the desk,” I said apologetically.

“Oh,” was all he said, and then a shadow of disappointment fell across his face.

He gave me a sad smile, and I noticed his eyes were sad again too.

“I should go in then,” he said with a reluctant tone.

I wanted so much to say ‘no don’t go, stay out here with me’, but my lips wouldn’t move, so all I could do was watch him as he slowly turned, and disappeared through the doors to the hall. Come back. I slumped down onto my chair. Why couldn’t Mia come out now, and ask me if I’d changed my mind? I wasn’t that lucky - blasted diary cat. I let my head fall into my hands, and sighed heavily. The pumping sound of the music hit me, as the door to the hall was opened again so soon. I stood up expectantly waiting to be handed a coat ticket, but instead I looked up, and Justin stood looking at me; my heart set off racing again.

“You didn’t stay very long,” I said, and noticed my voice had taken on a desperate tone.

“There was no one inside worth talking to,” he said, searching my eyes again.

“Well there’s no one out here but me.”

What was I saying? I didn’t want to scare him away.

“Like I said, there’s no one inside worth talking to.”

“Oh,” was all I could say, as I didn’t know what he meant; my head seemed to become confused when he was near. I forced my brain cells to work overtime as I finally figured out the meaning to his words. “Oh,” I said again, with more surprise. Was he saying what I thought he was saying? He found me interesting?

The doors to the hall crashed open again; we both dropped our shoulders in disappointment. Six people came out all wanting their coats.

“Don’t go anywhere,” I said firmly, holding up my hands to make sure he stayed where he was.

He smiled at me then, with his mouth and his eyes.

“I won’t,” he replied. His face lit up, and it topped me up with a little bit more helium; I’m sure if I pushed off from the ground I would have floated to the ceiling. I turned away from him to get the coats, but when I turned back I nearly dropped them. In his hand was the valentine’s card. I started to panic, and stupid thoughts ran through my head. Should I drop the coats and grab it off him? Should I drop the coats and run screaming from the building? Should I throw the coats at him? Was I completely crazy? I couldn’t do any of those things without him and the six people waiting thinking I’d completely lost my mind. In reality I handed the coats over to the group, who thankfully hadn’t noticed my anguish, and I waited for them to leave. I went back to Justin, and studied his face while he looked at the card. He was smiling a little. Did he recognise it? Was it him who sent it? My mind raced. I willed myself to ask him if he’d drawn it.

“Is this what you dropped? It was under the table.” He held it out to me.

“Thanks.” I took it, my hand shaking.

I drew in a deep rose scented breath and looked him in the eye.

“Did you draw it?”

He opened his mouth to answer, but before any sound came out, the door to the hall crashed open again. My head shot round, nooooooo, it was Stephanie with Callum, and much to my surprise again, Laurence and Lucy. I looked back to Justin, but he’d turned and was heading for the door to outside. Stephanie rushed over to me; she was flushed with excitement.

“Hannah you’ve really missed a brilliant night.”

She didn’t know how right she was, and it was all because of her; if I could have just had ten more minutes.

She looked at my face, which was full of anger and frustration. She took this to mean that I was annoyed that she was having a good time.

“It’s your own fault Hannah you had the chance to come in. There’s no need to look sour now.”

“I’m not,” I lied.

I didn’t want to have to explain there in front of the others that I was furious at her and why. I realised I was still holding the card, so I bent down to put it safely in my bag. I got up, and retrieved their coats from the rack.

“Laurence is having some people back to his house, do you want to come?”

I looked at Laurence stood with Lucy and Callum a little further away. He pointed at Callum’s chest, but when Callum looked down to see what he was pointing at, Laurence flicked his nose then burst out laughing. Callum was not amused. Lucy looked embarrassed.

“I can’t,” I said, looking back to Stephanie.

“Hannah c’mon. You’re not still feeling bitter about Laurence are you?”

“No.” I couldn’t believe she was even asking me that. “I can’t leave, I have to finish up here.”

“Oh come on, you’ve done more than your fair share,” she pleaded with puppy dog eyes.

“No,” I said firmly.

Laurence was starting to get rowdy, which caused me to glance over at him again. I was ashamed with myself for having even the remotest warm feeling for him.

I continued quietly, “I can’t believe you’re going anywhere with him, he’s a complete idiot.”

“You’re just jealous that I’m getting to spend time with him, and he didn’t want you,” she spat back in a forceful whisper.

She was so far off the mark; I wanted to scream. I looked down at the table feeling hurt by her words. She was my friend not his; surely she should show some solidarity. I looked up at her my jaw stiff.

“Just go, I don’t care anymore.”

She looked shocked. I had needed her, or so I thought, and suddenly I was rejecting her. It was clear from her startled expression that this was not the Hannah she was used to. If I hadn’t been there with those other people, I would have screamed at her to get out. She had just ruined what could have been the most exciting moment of my life. She gave me one last look of contempt then turned on her heel.

“Come on, let’s go,” she called to the others, as she breezed out of the door.

Callum passed me, and gave me another apologetic smile. As Laurence and Lucy passed through the door I thought I heard Laurence say, ‘her loss’. I stood alone feeling dejected, then I remembered Justin, and looked up hopefully toward the doors expecting him to waltz back through them and answer my question, but he didn’t come back. People started to pile out through the hall doors, and I numbly handed out coats. Mia thanked me for manning the desk all night and said I could go; she and Katie would clear up. I pulled on my coat and walked out into the cold night air. I could see my breath in front of my face; clouds of white air came out in quick little puffs as I realised I was about to cry. I looked round to make sure there was no one to see me, then allowed the tears to fall. It was very dark now, I knew mum would be mad with me for walking home alone; I would have to lie and tell her Stephanie had dropped me off. I moved quickly, as I hated walking alone at night. The rain started again more heavily than before, and I realised with a sinking heart that I’d left my umbrella at college. I was coming past the park, which meant I was only a few minutes away. Just across the road and round the corner I thought. I had to stand between two parked cars to cross. My eyes were still full of tears and now rain, so I had to squint to see. It wasn’t a busy road at this time, and I thought there was nothing coming, so I moved to cross. Suddenly a yellow car came screeching towards me, its tyres squealing on the wet road; it seemed to come from nowhere. I put out my hand. Did I think I had super human strength to stop it? Then immense pain shot up my arm, and I felt myself being lifted into the air. There was a sickening thud which I realised was me hitting the ground. I shut my eyes, not wanting to accept what had just happened. I was lying in my bed having a vivid dream, wasn’t I? I could even smell the rose scented tea lights. I managed to twist my head to the side; the fragrance was stronger there. Shouldn’t I be feeling more pain now? All I could feel was the numbing cold, and the wet on my back from the puddles of rain. I heard a car door slam and footsteps heading towards me, then felt fingers pressing the side of my neck. I tried to open my eyes, but could only manage to look up and blink a few times as fat droplets of rain kept falling into them. As my eyelids flickered; I caught sight of the wrist that was encircled by a solid looking silver bangle. It had an unusual black pattern on the side, which was interrupted by some lettering. I blinked again, and realised it was an identity bracelet that I know I’d seen somewhere before; I was sure of it. If I could only keep my eyes open longer to see, I could make out a name…

The hand moved away. I was feeling too tired to even blink my eyes now, so I allowed them to close. Just before I lost consciousness I heard the car door slam, and the driver sped away.

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